70 above Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in CLEVELAND go swimming in the Lakes.
60 above North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. People in CLEVELAND plant gardens.
50 above Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in CLEVELAND sunbathe.
40 above Italian & English cars won't start. People in CLEVELAND drive with the windows down.
32 above Distilled water freezes. Lake ERIE'S has warnings issued for lake fires.
20 above Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats. People in CLEVELAND throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in CLEVELAND have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 People in Miami all die... CLEVELANDERS lick the flagpole.
20 below Californians fly away to Mexico. People in CLEVELAND get out their winter coats.
40 below Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in CLEVELAND are selling cookies door to door.
60 below Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. CLEVELAND Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below Mt. St. Helens freezes. People in CLEVELAND rent some videos.
100 below Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. CLEVELANDERS get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in CLEVELAND complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale). People in CLEVELAND start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below Hell freezes over. The BROWNS win the Super Bowl